The Damn Dishes
From the clinicians at Forest Ferns Counseling. Written in the first person by a member of our clinical team.
Let’s be clear: doing the dishes sucks. Apart from those rare Zen masters who genuinely enjoy the meditative aspect of putting their hands in filthy water, why would anyone want to do the dishes? There’s little dopamine reward to be had in doing this Forever Task. All I can picture is Sisyphus, rolling his boulder up the hill eternally. Camus apparently wants us to see him as happy in his fate, but come on. Is he really?
Before I became a therapist, I had no idea how much the topic of dishes would come up in sessions. Clients with ADHD, especially, whose brains are uniquely primed to seek out novelty, tend to discuss this topic most often. But angst about dishes cuts across neurotypes.
Clients feel frustrated with the pile-up and ashamed they’re not managing it better. They worry that they’re incompetent and unable to deal with the challenges of adulthood.
And lazy. That’s the other fear.
I’ve been glad to see the concept of laziness undergo a reexamination in recent years and be found wanting. Devon Price’s book Laziness Does Not Exist argues that what society deems lazy is often a misreading of how human motivation actually works. If people can’t make themselves do things, it’s usually because they’re burned out or overwhelmed or lacking the skills to manage tasks in ways that work for them. Instead of finding fault with ourselves, Price encourages self-compassion, a slower pace, and allowance for rest.
Meanwhile, KC Davis’s neat little book How to Keep House While Drowning makes the case that struggling with housework is a common human predicament whose solution doesn’t lie in having lofty, impossible ideals. Davis offers manageable, granular steps for getting any room in the house clean. She suggests lowering your standards and gamifying tasks. Her biggest point is that cleaning is not a moral issue but a task management challenge.
For me, breaking jobs into smaller parts is everything. As I like to tell clients, there’s no such thing as Cleaning the Kitchen. Instead, there’s washing the pots in the sink, loading the dishwasher, and wiping the counters. If I don’t have it in me to do all the steps, I’ll do one and then come back later and do the rest. Or I’ll “trick” myself into starting the process by committing to one task and see if momentum will carry me through the rest.
If you have sensory challenges, touching and looking at dirty dishes can feel disgusting. I like to counteract this by lowering the lights, lighting a candle, and turning on music. Sexy! When I’m really dragging, I’ll tell myself I only have to clean for the duration of two or three songs and then I can be free—free! Does that leave me with a completely sparkling kitchen? Nope. Does the disapproving 1950s housewife in my mind look askance? Yep. Do I value her opinions? Meh.
Clinically reviewed by Mel Whalen, PhD, LP — Licensed Psychologist, Michigan #6301015759.
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